Before the Gathering (Preparation):
Map Your Default Role - Write down the role you typically play in family dynamics (maybe...hero, scapegoat, peacekeeper, invisible one, rebel or simply the qualities of your role). Just naming it reduces its power over you.
Create Your Circuit Breaker - Choose one pattern you want to interrupt. Just one. Maybe it's saying setting boundaries and saying "no." Practice your alternative response out loud, alone, 10 times before you go. Your nervous system needs the rehearsal.
Build Your Courage Buddy - Identify one friend or family member who might be ready for change too. Text them: Will you be my courage buddy for the holiday. Can I text you everytime I disrupt “x” pattern and will you celebrate with me. Then, ask if they want to do the same for themselves. Courage is stronger with a witness - and it helps your brain change faster.
During the Gathering (Remember the 72-Hour Threshold):
The Bathroom Reset - When you feel yourself slipping into old patterns (and you will), excuse yourself. In the bathroom, do 5 slow breaths with longer exhales. This reset literally tells your nervous system: "We're safe enough to try something new."
The Pattern Interrupt - When the familiar dynamic starts (Mom criticizes, Dad withdraws, sibling deflects), try ONE different response. Maybe it's silence instead of defending. Maybe it's "That's interesting" instead of arguing. Small disruptions create big ripples.
Conflict as Connection - When conflict arises (not if, when), try saying: "This feels important. Can we slow down and really hear each other?" You're not avoiding conflict—you're dancing with it.
After the Gathering (Integration):
The Debrief That Matters - Within 24 hours, write down: Where did I activate? Where did I stay present? No judgment, just data. Your nervous system is learning.
Celebrate the Tiny Wins - Did you pause for 3 seconds before responding once? That's a new neural pathway being born. Your brain needs you to acknowledge it.
The Non-Negotiables:
You cannot do this alone. Your brain won't let you.
Progress isn't linear. You'll regress. That's not failure—it's data.
Small disruptions create big changes. Don't try to transform everything all at once.
When you change your dance, you give everyone permission to change theirs.
Remember: You're not broken. Your patterns aren't character flaws. They're just neural highways that served you once. Now you're building new roads. It takes time. It takes practice. It takes courage.
And courage, thankfully, is contagious.
Start with one step. Just one. Your nervous system—and everyone connected to it—will thank you.