When chaos, uncertainty, fear, big feelings, pain and immense change are whirling around you beckoning your nervous system towards activation and survival, what tools do you use to stay present and grounded? How do you intentionally participate with as well as constantly adapt to what shows up?
I have been thinking a lot about imagery for these times and a tornado keeps coming up in my conversations with the question “how do you stay in the eye of a tornado?”
In full confession, I was initially imagining a tornado to be like a hurricane. The eye of a hurricane is the calmest part of the storm, the center surrounded by an eyewall - a clear boundary between the calm and the most dangerous impact of the storm. I discovered the eyes of tornados are a bit different and more difficult to discern. For tornadoes, there are believed to be multiple “sub-verticles” - the equivalent of mini tornados within a larger tornado that surround a center that is more calm, causing the eyewall of a tornado to be more complex and the calm of the center to be more difficult to pinpoint consistently. In this discovery, I realized that a tornado is exactly what life feels like right now. I don’t know many people who are not living in a tornado right now - the subverticles are global, national, local, relational and personal.
When facing “sub-verticals” focus becomes adaptability - your ability to participate with what presents, moving from activation to equilibrium again. We are activated if we are reacting/defending/resisting (fight), avoiding (flight), hiding (freeze) or pretending/pleasing (fawn). Once we know we are activated, we can have more agency on how to care for our own nervous system and the nervous systems around us.
Because there are very different tools for different levels of nervous system activation, we have to acknowledge where we are to know what tools to use or if we need to build new tools.
This week I felt like a shaken coke can. Anger and frustration building. I was proud of myself for using boxing to move it through me effectively. And, reaching out for support. I had thought I had handled it well and my nervous system was adapting.
Two elders in my life - older than my own parents - metaphorically mom’ed and dad’ed me. I have learned to always listen when they share wisdom, but I noticed I was acting like a teenager, like I had it all handled on my own. I watched them both cut right through to truth and show where my nervous system was still activated and I was avoiding/resisting.
A man I deeply respect told me, I had to pause boxing because my hand needed time to heal. I inadvertently looked away as I nodded. He called out my casual dismissal. Looked me straight in the eyes and made me confront what I was avoiding. I didn’t want to use another tool other than boxing to manage my building anger, even if it cost me some pain. I needed him to disrupt my avoidance because I wasn’t listening to the disruption my hand pain was causing. If I kept avoiding, a larger correction would inevitably come for me in an injury or something even bigger to make me listen.
A woman I deeply respect, told me I needed more support. I resisted. Readying my argument with all the ways I support myself and receive support. I prepared a list, instead of listening. And, I began to share all the ways the people around me were struggling, as a subconscious way to ensure her I was doing okay. She disrupted my defenses with, “yes and you need even more support, because of the state of the world around you and everyone you are supporting.” I had no argument, it was just true. In fact, this was an argument I had used with clients earlier that day. I signed up for more support and set aside some time to build a strategy to build even more support for myself in April.
I am trying to live in the eye of a tornado. And like everyone, sometimes I am good at it and other times I am lost in the winds. I have been working with my own nervous system activation, studying nervous system activation and supporting others’ with their nervous system activation for over 20 years. AND RIGHT NOW, at this time, things are pressing in on me and everyone I know. It is taking all of my tools, and I have a lot, just to exist. And, I still need to build up even more support.
We need each other and we all need a variety of support. We can’t do this alone. As a result, I am starting more group coaching offerings next month.
In my opinion, group work is the most essential and effective support out there; I have done my greatest healing and witnessed the greatest healing in groups.