With so much uncertainty and change occurring, especially in places and structures that have historically appeared more stable, we are no longer able to cling to previously comforting truths, and as a result this shake and shock is activating all of our nervous systems. It’s unavoidable. Who are you leaning on? What are you learning? When are you finding moments of hope and joy?
Some of us are more vulnerable than others…who are you reaching out to…offering support to? How are you gathering?
I learn a lot from the people in my life. I have recently been interviewing and reflecting with people in my close and broad communities, about this question “how do we build community with structures of belonging and repair in what feels like end times, especially when their is no where to escape - only how and with whom we choose to stand? This is some of the wisdom that I have received in the past weeks…
The dog trainer: I interviewed a dog trainer, who literally changed my life years back, Brandon Fouche. He works with aggressive and fear aggressive dogs. Here are two things he said to me that stuck with me around advice specifically for humans…1) “There is a new devil and every level.” We have to have new strategies for each level, we never have anything figured out. There is always something new to address, and it never has the same solution, no matter how familiar it feels. 2) “Truth resonates. People can not like what you’re saying or even hate you, but they can still feel the truth in it.” He told me a story about a man at a workshop, who stood up and said something to the effect of: “I don’t like you, but I believe you.” The man owned a toy shop for dogs and Brandon Fouche explicitly proclaimed the controversial fact that dog toys are a significant source for producing the aggressive and neurotic behaviors we don’t want in our domesticated dogs. For some this may feel abstract, but in context, he was teaching how we can all “be” different by being present with the new “devil” arising and stand with it to come up with novel solutions. He also offers an example that implies how we hold and discern truth may be how we best care for ourselves and others. In my experience, children and teens are the best barometers of how truth has a resonance…they behaviorally respond to it. Can we learn to stretch at every new level and feel the resonance of truth again?
Grammie: A dear friend, we affectionately call Grammie, had me over for pancakes one Sunday morning. While she was cooking she told me that she had 10 years of therapy in a moment. It was one thing her pickle ball partner told her during a game. Grammie had not been playing at her best, and missing her serve. As a result her, doubles partner had become very agitated with her and started to make mean remarks, criticizing Grammie, eventually refusing to play with her in a follow up game. Fortunately a third woman jumped in to partner with Grammie for the next game. Before they started the woman said to Grammie, “Do you ever reset? Like look up at the trees, take a breath and then start again.” This simple yet poignant support transformed Grammie. She got her serve back. And subsequently, transformed me. I now reset all the time. What would happen if we all reset and encouraged each other to do so regularly?
Calling a Friend: I called a friend walking home, really worried and frustrated about another friend’s well being and wanting to do more. My friend and I have been reflecting a lot on how we show up in community. She asked me lots of questions to determine if I had done everything I could to support the friend in need. When I continued to come up with ways I could help them help themselves or even help them understand better what to do, she firmly and gently interjected, “remember, stay in your lane, Kat.” Caught in the act of wanting to over-help, I stopped walking for a minute, and felt the truth in what she said. I was so grateful she had caught me before putting my nose where it didn't belong. It was that person’s work for them to figure out not mine, loving them meant standing with them and letting them make whatever choice they needed to in that moment without intervening to protect them from pain. How can we learn to love each other better and hold each other accountable to it?
The Mediator, Therapist: I interviewed a woman who has done mediation and conflict resolution for decades as well as radical therapy, Beth Roy. She affirmed to me that the biggest challenges individuals have in groups is that they don’t know how to resolve conflict, rebuild trust and repair. We aren’t taught how to repair in our society. Most people are just taught to apologize. An apology alone isn’t resolution. As a result, it’s very difficult for groups to resolve conflict without formal training for each individual both in mediation and leadership. What if we all learned how to mediate repair, especially in groups, what would change?
We are all sitting with an activated nervous system at some elevated volume notch, in some type of fear right now. What’s your impulse? To hide, to run, to fix, to please, to freeze, to go it alone, to look only to others for answers, to fight. The destabilizing fear right now is not something our nervous systems can help us survive because it is not something we can get out of or away from.
When there isn’t a clear exit or end in sight, how do you build sustainable resilience? If it is the type of fear we have to learn to stand with, to be with, than through it can we be even more gentle and caring with ourselves and one another in spite of the survival mechanisms that might show up. We all need soft places to land. We can’t do this alone, we all need each other, more than ever. How do we come together to co-create hope and new pathways to a new future?